I will be honest. I have started six different blogs over the past several weeks... months. I write the first sentence...maybe a paragraph… and then, nothing. No desire to continue. Not even the innate pressures and deadlines I put on myself - those didn’t even matter. I just pushed my computer away and turned on the TV. Streaming became a very good comfort zone.
I can see now that I was in a funk. A mental funk - a black cloud and fog that absorbed all of my energy and care. My motivation. Gone. My drive. Gone. My need to be busy. Gone. Replaced by an urgent need for Netflix and wine.
Not a great thing to happen to someone that just recently started entrepreneurship! I mean, come on! I need to move. I need to hustle. I need to come up with brilliant, creative ideas and put them into action! Be smart and unique and develop the million dollar plan!
But nothing came. Nothing happened except me and my laziness taking over the TV remote. Well, that and a lot of tears. I missed my dad. I missed my dog. But most of all, I think I missed my partner. I was angry at how much work had consumed us and taken over our lives. I missed our weekends together. I hated having to go to functions without him. I was feeling sorry for myself. I was lonely.
Sure, I still got things done. Laundry, cooking, getting dressed (almost) every day. I did get work done so my clients weren’t left completely stranded. But no new ideas. No excitement in daily tasks. No social posts and definitely no blogs. Ugh. Who really wants to read what I had to say anyway? Who really cares?
Why does this happen? Is it the weather or time of year? Is it hormonal? Is it the “crazy woman” syndrome that men drone on about? Or is it that we all move so fast that sometimes we don’t see what’s around us until it’s over or gone or too late? We all want success and we push others to succeed to the point that maybe we don’t realize our own needs until they slam us in our face? Our own selfish desires and wants? Am I being selfish?
I’d like to think not. I’d like to think that I am perfect in every little way… haha, don’t we all? We strive to keep it together. To make things look easy. To do it all and look fabulous doing it.
But then the fog hits. The dark cloud that hovers for way too long. And how to break it? How do I get back into the mindset that he and I are doing this together? We have goals and dreams and this crappy time is just a small part in a long haul? How do I not make him feel guilty for following his dream? How do I make sure he knows how proud I am of what we have accomplished?
I write it down. I go see friends, make plans and follow through with them. I talk to my neighbors. I call my mom. I support my friends. I allow myself the time it takes to feel better. I pout. I buy more tissues. I push the guilt away and give myself permission to feel crappy. I eat chocolate cake. I watch sad movies. I remember why we started this crazy ride in the first place. I let him wrap his arms around me and I relax. I think about our goals. I think about our future. But most of all, I talk to him. I listen to him. I put myself in his shoes because I know how hard it’s been. I forgive him. I cuddle up next to him and hold him. And… I dream of Cabo.